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last full day in Nashville - 16 May 2011. I miss the women I met and the men I didn't. So alone most of the time. So alone most of the time - so afraid to be less alone. I listened to wonky electronic music to isolate myself and now I only want Johnny Cash and Cat Power. When I think I can't do it, then I remember that everyone else is doing it, somehow. That's the same for dying - everyone else does it - don't be scared. Millions now living will never die.
Showing posts with label memory. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memory. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, December 20, 2010
resolutions.
>>>
keep looking, little heart, for the warmth you know exists. pursue other angles, forget the angels, who most certainly will bore you, after a bit.
keep your heart alone. open your legs, feel yourself with yourself. foreign hands neglect glands, forget what you tell them you like.
ignore vacant promises. watch as the world outside doubles and halves, respectively. the action is no surrender, for remember, you are alone.
fill your heart with more words. not other women's words, only those whose point of origin is identical to your mouth, and keep your mouth clean.
do not forget that you are a creature, and your blood signifies hope beyond doubt. your formulas will fail, but your blood always repeats.
maybe he ain't lyin. maybe you will keep striving to repair damaged ideals, or maybe you won't. touch your own self with the love you think you have for him. you will find it greater.
>>>>
keep looking, little heart, for the warmth you know exists. pursue other angles, forget the angels, who most certainly will bore you, after a bit.
keep your heart alone. open your legs, feel yourself with yourself. foreign hands neglect glands, forget what you tell them you like.
ignore vacant promises. watch as the world outside doubles and halves, respectively. the action is no surrender, for remember, you are alone.
fill your heart with more words. not other women's words, only those whose point of origin is identical to your mouth, and keep your mouth clean.
do not forget that you are a creature, and your blood signifies hope beyond doubt. your formulas will fail, but your blood always repeats.
maybe he ain't lyin. maybe you will keep striving to repair damaged ideals, or maybe you won't. touch your own self with the love you think you have for him. you will find it greater.
>>>>
Labels:
accurate,
anti-depressants,
eating,
jealousy,
meaning,
memory,
Panamanians,
professional,
repetition,
update
Thursday, October 21, 2010
i heard something like your voice today
I heard something like your voice today -
your voice when tame and oceaned away.
The greeting, identical to homeland calls
recollected summer, and break, any pause
we'd make between distant circumstance
to commit affection, or at least approach it;
clutch flesh in lieu of digi-roses.
your voice when tame and oceaned away.
The greeting, identical to homeland calls
recollected summer, and break, any pause
we'd make between distant circumstance
to commit affection, or at least approach it;
clutch flesh in lieu of digi-roses.
Labels:
accents,
coincidence,
language,
memory,
recognition,
remix,
syllables,
voice
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
short story
thanks to AT.
a perfect escape
A perfect escape, Buzz thought.
* * *
Sandra was horrified to find the dog dead on the bathroom floor.
As if afraid the beast would spring to life, (despite that his advanced years had long prevented any sudden movement) she cautiously nudged the thing with her foot to confirm the diagnosis.
Any pity Sandra might have had for the dog was dwarfed by her own embarrassment. After all, the dog was not hers; she was merely doing her aunt's family a housesitting favor while they vacationed in Florida.
I'm afraid Henry has died, she said to her aunt on the phone.
Oh no. Oh...but we knew this was coming. I'll tell Jill and Anthony when we return. No need to spoil their holiday.
What should I...uh, what should I do with Henry?
A pause and a sigh could be heard over the line.
There's a pet cremetory on Maple. Take one of the blank checks I left in my desk drawer and have him finished. It's only ten in the morning; I'm sure they'll be open now. No, you better go ahead and do it now. We won't be getting back for six more days.
After finalizing the dog's funerary arrangements with her aunt, Sandra called the pet crematory (Pet Cremations of Tidewater: A Sensible Alternative) to ensure Henry could be dropped off that day.
To Sandra, the thought of a dead animal in her car was revolting. She wasn't the sensitive type. I'll just take the bus, she decided. But how to transport the thing?
This won't do, she thought, tossing aside a cardboard box. She had gone into the garage hoping to find a container both big enough to hold Henry and discreet enough so no one would know a dead dog was inside.
She settled on a stained black luggage bag. With some luck, Henry fit inside quite well, although Sandra found his limbs a bit stiff.
Sandra looked at the bus schedule posted on the refrigerator. She located the bus she needed to get to Maple amongst the rows of alternating blue and light-blue travel bars. The next bus comes at eleven-twelve, she observed. The clock in the kitchen read eleven-and-seven.
Unfortunately for Sandra the nearest bus stop was three blocks away. Wanting to rid herself of the dog as quickly as possible, she hurried to her destination, finding the dog much heavier than he looked, especially when confined within such an awkward package.
However, she made it.
Whatcha got in there? asked the busdriver. Computer parts? He smiled a toothy smile.
Yes, said Sandra, panting, glad for the unexpected cover.
Sandra chose the first seat on the right side of the bus. She gladly released Henry into the aisle seat and herself sat by the window. A man in a red beanie hat looked at her strangely from the seat one back and across.
Oh god, does he know? Sandra thought. She scanned the luggage bag. The outline of a dead dog was not visible. Satisfied that the man couldn't possibly know computer parts were in fact not inside, Sandra turned to the window.
The bus roared into motion. Sandra had a few miles to ride. It was a pretty spring day and Sandra was happy she wouldn't have to care for the dog for six days. The bus stopped at a busy intersection. Sandra closed her eyes and dreamed of what television programs to watch when she returned.
Hey! she heard the busdriver shout.
Sandra looked toward the front of the bus. The busdriver had stood up and was looking out the door. Sandra looked out her window. A man in a red beanie carrying a heavy-looking black luggage bag had just vanished into a thick crowd of indifferent pedestrians.
Monday, July 12, 2010
another gentleLena
There once was a woman who traveled the world.
However, her adventures abroad afforded her neither sightsee nor souvineer; the mementos of her journeys were all in her mind and her skin.
As a child the woman traveled in books. Away from the sometimes seasons of her rural surroundings she escaped to and from the Occident. She was alone, the omniscient puppeteer to her self-built planet.
Thus, in spite of her solitude, or perhaps because of it, her life was exceedingly full.
As the child grew (her name was Lena), she grew tall and also away from books and into sound. She had read the world and now wanted to hear it. She knew what all of the cities sounded like. She knew what music the people who lived in them made love to.
Lena wanted to make love to the world now. She longed to experience the musical cities but was afraid to leave her own. She felt alone.
Thus, in spite of her solitude, or perhaps because of it, her life was exceedingly dull.
Lena decided to make love to the world then. She made herself beautiful. She looked exotic even though she wasn't. Finding lovers was easy for her. She knew them all already.
Her lovers were from all different places but always artists. She did not want to be an artist. She wanted to love an artist. She took a job at a gallery where she could always be displayed, a living work of art in striped dresses and heeled boots.
One lover was from Italy. He sent her a bouquet of roses every month. She let them die but let him come to her. He liked knee socks. Lena let him put them on her only to take them off.
"Lena," he said. "I want you to marry me."
But Lena hadn't traveled enough.
Another lover was from Russia. Lena pined for him like she had pined for no other. Thinking of his blue eyes made her wet. She got the chills. They followed him from Moscow, he said. The cold called. She never saw him again.
Lena took her Swede lover for a swim in a lake. He dared her to take off her underwear. She held them in her hand above the water and he grabbed them from her. He lost them and she was lost to him and she had to walk back to her house with no panties on under her skirt. He teased her about that. He put his hand under her skirt as they walked and they had to stop walking.
Lena loved each new lover differently. They were all special to her. She became a woman well-traveled. By her mid-20s she had gotten to all of the continents except one, and most continents more than once. She had a frenchman with beautiful hands and an Egyptian who offered to do her taxes. She invited a German to her bed and a Greek into the bathroom at a bar.
Lena's friends learned about the world from airplanes and eating. Lena learned only with her sex. Because she experienced the world so intimately she took the most intimate secrets of the world into her body. Her body showed that. Every day a new man asked her where she was from.
"Are you French?" the cashier said.
"Are you Polish?" the friend-of-a-friend said.
"Where are you from?" they all asked.
Nowhere she replied.
After seven years of this Lena started to confuse Beijing and Budapest. The scents of her lovers became one odiferous mess. She longed to belong to one place for she was Nowhere. Where is my home? she thought. I will make one of these lovers my home. I will settle into one of them.
Lena tried to settle into one but she could never stay in place. Some glacier or the ocean in floated on always called her away. She tried to ignore their calls but that only made everyone more passionate for the gentle Lena.
She stopped sleeping and only ate things that grew on trees. She disappeared into headphones and masturbated indefinitely to a perfect body composed of all her lovers.
She longed to stay even though she had really always stayed. Like a stray dog Lena wandered the globe underneath her bedsheets, which when touched revealed the perpetual wet of the world.
However, her adventures abroad afforded her neither sightsee nor souvineer; the mementos of her journeys were all in her mind and her skin.
As a child the woman traveled in books. Away from the sometimes seasons of her rural surroundings she escaped to and from the Occident. She was alone, the omniscient puppeteer to her self-built planet.
Thus, in spite of her solitude, or perhaps because of it, her life was exceedingly full.
As the child grew (her name was Lena), she grew tall and also away from books and into sound. She had read the world and now wanted to hear it. She knew what all of the cities sounded like. She knew what music the people who lived in them made love to.
Lena wanted to make love to the world now. She longed to experience the musical cities but was afraid to leave her own. She felt alone.
Thus, in spite of her solitude, or perhaps because of it, her life was exceedingly dull.
Lena decided to make love to the world then. She made herself beautiful. She looked exotic even though she wasn't. Finding lovers was easy for her. She knew them all already.
Her lovers were from all different places but always artists. She did not want to be an artist. She wanted to love an artist. She took a job at a gallery where she could always be displayed, a living work of art in striped dresses and heeled boots.
One lover was from Italy. He sent her a bouquet of roses every month. She let them die but let him come to her. He liked knee socks. Lena let him put them on her only to take them off.
"Lena," he said. "I want you to marry me."
But Lena hadn't traveled enough.
Another lover was from Russia. Lena pined for him like she had pined for no other. Thinking of his blue eyes made her wet. She got the chills. They followed him from Moscow, he said. The cold called. She never saw him again.
Lena took her Swede lover for a swim in a lake. He dared her to take off her underwear. She held them in her hand above the water and he grabbed them from her. He lost them and she was lost to him and she had to walk back to her house with no panties on under her skirt. He teased her about that. He put his hand under her skirt as they walked and they had to stop walking.
Lena loved each new lover differently. They were all special to her. She became a woman well-traveled. By her mid-20s she had gotten to all of the continents except one, and most continents more than once. She had a frenchman with beautiful hands and an Egyptian who offered to do her taxes. She invited a German to her bed and a Greek into the bathroom at a bar.
Lena's friends learned about the world from airplanes and eating. Lena learned only with her sex. Because she experienced the world so intimately she took the most intimate secrets of the world into her body. Her body showed that. Every day a new man asked her where she was from.
"Are you French?" the cashier said.
"Are you Polish?" the friend-of-a-friend said.
"Where are you from?" they all asked.
Nowhere she replied.
After seven years of this Lena started to confuse Beijing and Budapest. The scents of her lovers became one odiferous mess. She longed to belong to one place for she was Nowhere. Where is my home? she thought. I will make one of these lovers my home. I will settle into one of them.
Lena tried to settle into one but she could never stay in place. Some glacier or the ocean in floated on always called her away. She tried to ignore their calls but that only made everyone more passionate for the gentle Lena.
She stopped sleeping and only ate things that grew on trees. She disappeared into headphones and masturbated indefinitely to a perfect body composed of all her lovers.
She longed to stay even though she had really always stayed. Like a stray dog Lena wandered the globe underneath her bedsheets, which when touched revealed the perpetual wet of the world.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Dirty Dream no.2
I feel asleep in a familiar place for what was about to occur and perhaps that particular spot summoned an overlapping memory at any rate that's where the entire dream unfolded.
As early back as I can remember we embraced and I clumsily knocked something hard to obtain and costing you money into your lap; you effortlessly saved the prize and refilled the small capsule with what for some reason mattered to us.
Kissing you was desperation and I felt more eagerness from you which was strange because I always feel the more uncontrolled one; not used to feel like this anyway but I do now only with you.
Only you weren't you you were someone else who had came before. The arms which had just clung to your neck like tentacles released - no, pushed you away in disgust. I stared at you in horrible disbelief. Though you appeared identical inside I knew who you were.
You knew it too and smiled that smile I die when I see it I die. Now however now your insides taint that beautiful smile and you keep making very time-specific facial expressions each wonderful in a new and painful way. I want to suck them up for in my other life you are gone so much.
Mmmm skyscraper I love you - ringing in my ears (turned out to be the sizzling of a steak some bitch frying on the tele my god what a repulsive image to wake to my god). Strangled in a blanket (both instances) I fell off the couch.
I thought how to get you out of my house, my parents were upstairs. Hello they would tell you. But it's not really him it's him I'd say, as if this would explain why you weren't where I told them you were and neither were you especially not here.
Not gotten to the idea of hiding you near the furnace I actually woke. Oh god I thought oh god I am never taking a nap again because I dream so deep into my real thoughts, not like a runaway imagination but an imaginative run of real thoughts.
Really I told you though far (you're all far, all far from me) I don't compare I don't want anyone to get into my overlapping mastrubatory thoughts and late afternoon dreams one lunatic is enough one goddamned lunatic was enough and two was unlucky three a fucked up coincidence and four well four, well fuck you god I am starting to think it's me that's fucking you up, all of you.
Labels:
anti-depressants,
boundaries,
celebrity look-alike,
coincidence,
cycles,
dreams,
fuck,
God,
jealousy,
meaning,
memory,
patience,
repetition,
sex,
space,
time
Monday, June 21, 2010
i'm waiting for the day
patience ascended.
"you'll need it" she said
"to mend aheart asunder."
"mend" i said. "not him.
wounds aren't covered in
fatuation and months."
"you wish him to pine?
you leave him to dogs?
you will expose him to wind
and subject him to cold?"
"no patience i still need you
around. but for mending no
he knows to heal he helps
himself. to feel, i wish
us to be by ourselves."
"darling" she mused "you
are honest and sad. some
things aren't easy. why
add an obstacle?" "i am
serious" i said "when i
said, when i sent him."
"you'll need it" she said
"to mend aheart asunder."
"mend" i said. "not him.
wounds aren't covered in
fatuation and months."
"you wish him to pine?
you leave him to dogs?
you will expose him to wind
and subject him to cold?"
"no patience i still need you
around. but for mending no
he knows to heal he helps
himself. to feel, i wish
us to be by ourselves."
"darling" she mused "you
are honest and sad. some
things aren't easy. why
add an obstacle?" "i am
serious" i said "when i
said, when i sent him."
Monday, March 15, 2010
Port Babies.
Babies at the airport.
feeding each other onion rings.
Neither had been breast-fed.
An infant purchasing cigarettes, basically.
The other infant prefers sipping milk with coffee.
a nipple-width latte.
Babies get dragged around states with no oceans.
babies understand that leaving is just motion,
the same motion that arrives.
but babies still cry at airports sometimes.
He might not order a ginger ale
and pick some stale peanuts over with
you but you will remember
waking up from a dream of him.
and then turning your head
and actually seeing him.
for that moment the world in your mind
and the world outside
harmonized.
Maybe that's why you feel so young at the airport.
feeding each other onion rings.
Neither had been breast-fed.
An infant purchasing cigarettes, basically.
The other infant prefers sipping milk with coffee.
a nipple-width latte.
Babies get dragged around states with no oceans.
babies understand that leaving is just motion,
the same motion that arrives.
but babies still cry at airports sometimes.
He might not order a ginger ale
and pick some stale peanuts over with
you but you will remember
waking up from a dream of him.
and then turning your head
and actually seeing him.
for that moment the world in your mind
and the world outside
harmonized.
Maybe that's why you feel so young at the airport.
Labels:
airports,
memory,
milk,
platonic forms,
repetition,
time
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